When you were born and we learnt of your condition(s) I lost all hope. Any dreams and aspirations that I had been playing out in my mind for the last 9 months had gone. I didn’t believe that any of that was possible, I fully and whole hearted believed you would be better off if you had not been born, or, passed shortly after birth.
Now, almost 3 years on, I could not have been more wrong, and that’s a guilt that plays on my mind. I truly though that you would be better off dead in the earlier days, the struggle and pain you endured was too much for a tiny little body you occupied, too much to comprehend what road would lay ahead for you.
And I’m sorry Ava….
I’m sorry that I had those thoughts and that for weeks, and even months I was too scared to touch you, to hold you, to love you. I’m sorry that some days, in the months you spent so poorly in London I couldn’t be there. Mummy was tired, very tired,… moving, talking, breathing, EXISTING was more than I could take.
I’m sorry the day you stopped breathing and started slipping away I ran out of the doors and out of the building as teams jumped on you to pull you back.
If I could, I’d trade places with you. I’d take it all away.
But most of all, I’m sorry I ever doubted you or your ability.
I watch you learning new things every day, I watch you making sense of the world around you and I am bursting with pride.
I see you.
I see you smile and the things around you, I see you smile at me, with your eyes. We speak our own language , and it’s beautiful – even if I never hear you say “mummy I love you” I can see it we don’t need to speak or hear words.
I’m so proud that you are my little human, my miracle, my daughter and I am your mummy.
The doctors told us that you can build a house and structurally it be okay – but you can’t see what’s going on behind the door, there could be nothing there. Well, to any one who ever said you couldn’t I would love for them to see you now. You have surpassed far more than I ever imagined , I know the road ahead is uncertain. I know things won’t always be good. But you’ve come so far already…
We have bad days, really bad days. We have set backs, but you always come through with your fighting spirit and it’s what I admire most about you. No one has endured what you have and survived… No one – least of all you – should have suffered the way you did and continue to.
I promise to always be there by your side.
I promise to be the best advocate for you.
I promise I will never give up.
And I promise to be your cheerleader right behind you encouraging you in everything you want to do.
I love you always and I’m so proud of you.