Life’s never easy, it never is and time seems to be passing by so quickly. I started this blog when I had two children, I now have 5 – (5,4,3,2 5 month old!)
I have decided to start writing again; I need to vent how I am feeling and put it all into words, I want the world to come alive again for me, and for me – this is my therapy.
3 months ago I was admitted to a psychiatric unit, specifically for mothers suffering mental health disorders and their babies. This allowed for continual bonding with my baby and an environment to get better, I’ve been here before which I’ve mentioned a few times.
I have multiple diagnoses, borderline personality disorder, CPTSD (Complex post traumatic stress disorder), anxiety & depression. I’ve done some pretty drastic things in my time, but shortly after the birth of my fifth child Beatrix, things quickly escalated.
I’ve always been extremely open about my mental health, I have to be, this generation silences the people of today about their mental health struggles. I’ve always been an intermittent self-harmer and self harmed To various degrees, some superficial cuts, to overdosing to blood letting requiring transfusions and ultimately almost losing my life.
I am currently sectioned in hospital and having to recover under section 3 of the mental health act which means 6 months legally detained. I have fought the system tirelessly just to be home with my children. In the end it boils down to them having a mum or them potentially never having a mum again because I’ll be dead.
It has been incredibly hard to face my demons head on, whilst being in hospital I actually sunk further into depression and I couldn’t even look after my baby, I stayed in bed for 4 days and had to take so many tablets it basically sedated me. Even now I’m over that bump I am on a lot of medication to keep mySelf well – I’ve no shame in that.
Life is so fragile. I should have learnt that from having such a medically complex child… but only now can I see that there’s so much more to life, so much more, drastic changes, life changing decisions and so much mire.
One day I’ll go into more details. But I wants to restart this blog and bring back the passion I have for letting you all into my life.
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