The emptiness

Something resonated with me the other day.

Someone said what you need to do “is go with your most closest friend..” I zoned out after that.

I’ve thought for a long time, I’ve mulled things over in my head and it’s something I’ve addressed in therapy.

I don’t have any friends. Not proper ones. On the exterior I’m a happy, smiley chatty person, I’ll talk to people on the school drop offs, a casual hello “you alright” as we pass by dragging our kids into the classroom!

I’ll talk to people at my yard as I play ponies, but I tend to talk to my horse more than anyone else, she’s no doubt sick of my stories or the lonely days I cry on her stable floor as she just tries to mug me for treats! So you might see my endless pictures of Sultana, or updates of her; but just so you know, she’s my only friend who knows the depths of this pain, and she’s my escape.

I once went on a play date for my eldest son, the mum brought some other mums and their kids, I didn’t know either of them and I tried to join in with the conversations, but I faded into the back, I didn’t belong no matter how many times I chipped in. I turned away and just watched the kids playing in the field happily together.

Aside from that one occasion I’ve not had a proper social interaction for years. I have people who may check in every now and then on social media – but it’s not the same is it? It’s not the same as someone saying come over for a cuppa. Let’s go out for drinks one evening, let your hair down.

I don’t have that, it makes me sad, angry, numb all at once. I used to have so many friends, I mourn the loss of so much I used to have pre children – and that’s okay, every mum will, I know that because I’m a mum, and your priorities change.

I have five boisterous, full on YOUNG kids and that’s enough to put most people off!! Life’s consumed by them and more than that, Ava. I can’t get a baby sitter, it isn’t possible, or if we do it has to be a family member that is reluctant to take on her care; and even then we make the care as basic as possible to tide them over till we return 2 or so hours later.

Steven has friends, they seem to all have stuck around – is that a man thing?? He goes out regularly, he even hosts gatherings at the house, hot tub, football and the bar all outside. I’m happy for him, like this week he’s away skiing, with his friends. It’s good to get away.

We, as a couple if we are lucky have 2 hours of an evening together on the sofa, I think we go to dinner once or twice a year, alone that is. Maybe 3 times if we include one of the kids who is usually tagging along (Ava).

The last time I got away was the psychiatric ward – lol. I shouldn’t laugh it’s not funny, and you know what I felt less alone there, I related to people and I actually had a laugh, somedays we laughed till we cried, we lived together 24/7, we had a good giggle with some of the staff members. It was good, I was safe, I forgot about life on the outside; I remember I was desperate to get home to my children, but also scared of the lonely existence I lived away from the unit. But, I had to move on.

In the almost 2 years since I was last admitted to a psychiatric ward, I’ve not done much.

Life as a mum is hard, life of 5 is a real struggle.

Knowing I’m always going to have to care for Ava in more ways than one for the rest of my days, or when her untimely death comes? Impossible to grasp.

But there we are, Life goes on, the world still turns and yet here I stand, paralysed in my own self.

I just wanted to say it, I just wanted to write it. It’s not self pitty, it’s just a depiction of my life, the way my stars aligned and the path I walk.

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