2020 – F**ck you.

If you’ve followed my blog, my last post was about my time being detained and the final part of my so called “recovery”. I’m going to go back to this and explain what happened next.

I was in the MBU and after an “incident” Beatrix was taken off of me and I was transferred to the acute female ward. It actually felt like the worst day of my life when they told me at half past 3 I was being walked over to the new ward and my baby would be picked up by her dad where she would return home.

The goodbye I had to say to her tore me to pieces, I remember holding her so tightly and repeating over and over “sorry, sorry”… she was taken, my laces stripped from my shoes and I was marched with two people over to the other building with nothing but my phone. I didn’t know in my head when or if I’d ever see Beatrix again. What wasn’t taken into account is that during my time on the MBU I had become subject to abuse from a member of staff and this “incident” was me trying to protect myself from the barrage of text messages I was receiving to say they would end their life if I exposed them.

I finally came clean and told the staff what had happened, I had lots of dealings with the police and it’s currently with the CPS likely to go to court as the person has made a partial admissions, – enough on that because I can’t delve into the ins and outs due to it being a live case.

This was the last photo of my baby before she was taken.

When I was transferred over to the ward I was put on 2:1 observations so it meant I had 2 people at arms length at all times, I had 2 People at arms length at all times. I felt like a criminal!!

Being on this acute ward as hell on earth, it was completely different to the MBU the way it worked, the way it functioned, you didn’t even have the right to go into the small communal garden when you wanted to, it was a 15 min break every 4 hours. 15 minutes?? Then back inside a tiny ward to do NOTHING.

They’d put an anti ligature blanket on my bed and they’d locked away nearly all of my clothes and cleaning products. It was degrading, having two people stand and watch you washing yourself, go to the toilet, sleep, eat, drink. Monitoring every thing you do. When you are already in such a dark place it drags you down deeper and deeper until you can see no light. Until you hate yourself even more and your fight and Desire to carry on vanishes. Of course it does, when your standing in a room trying to wash yourself someone staring at you naked it’s not a nice feeling.

I won’t lie, after a few days and my obs were decreased I managed to form some really good bonds and one girl in particular, Charlie. We laughed till we cried, I truly believe without her I wouldn’t be where I am now. She fought so hard for me, she was there no matter what and she was just amazing. I helped her appeal her section and then she was finally let out.

Covid has stopped us meeting up outside of the hospital – we did go out once, but I’m hoping this will change soon as I miss that girl!

After 7 weeks on the acute ward I was finally free, I went on leave for a weekend leave and I had been telling the staff that I had a urine infection, they tested my urine and it came back with an infection, but they said not enough to treat … days went by and I was still feeling uncomfortable but drunk my body weight in water to ease symptoms. The day I was allowed home I had a niggling feeling in my side, it was gradually getting worse but I shrugged it off, I was also falling asleep on the sofa, I never do that!! I took some painkillers had some pizza and went to bed. I woke up at 2am, trembling, my hands my mottled I couldn’t see straight and my head was pounding. I phoned 111 and told me to wait for a doctor to call me, and she did. She advised she would get some antibiotics for THE MORNING. I told her about the other symptoms and she decided to send me to hospital. I drove there… lord don’t ask me how I DO NOT remember the journey but I knew I had to get there quick and Steven had to stay with the kids. I was so confused I had put on the wrong shoes a jumper and coat – it was 23 degrees outside – oh and no bra!! I had no energy left, I’d been sick and I was fading fast.

The doctor called me through and took a few details from me and what’s been going on. She didn’t look convinced – charming.

She then went on to take my temperature and it was 40.7! She could get no stable heart rate – but it was consistently very high, I was clamy to touch and my respiratory rate was up. She grabbed her bag and made me take two paracetamol from her bag – something I’m guessing you shouldn’t do but at this point she was concerned! She ran out the room got a wheel chair typed up some bits and had me wheeled to a&e I was taken straight through to resus and I knew why. I had sepsis.

Things became very blurry all I know is I felt awful like my head was caving in, my body was hurting all over things didn’t make sense and I just needed to sleep. They started antibiotics but they needed to get my heart down it was consistently over 140 one point it wouldn’t lower from 170. It took 6 hours to finally stabilise me an take me to a ward. I gradually thankfully got better no thanks to the teams on the psychiatric ward ignoring me! A UTI turned into a kidney infection which then turned me septic!

Moving on, I recovered that is the main thing and on 24th august I was finally deemed fit enough to be discharged and my section dissolved giving me my legal rights back!!

I’ve been out a few months now and I can’t say it’s been easy, Ava has had surgeries she has battled more illnesses and infections and we’ve desperately been shielding her from this poxy covid! The government are playing the okie cokie with who can and who can’t do this and that, there’s a divide between fear and something all the government are controlling. The worlds gone mad I don’t know who I am any more, I don’t know what day of the week it is, it’s just messy! I can only hope that it passes.

Leading a life with 5 young children in a pandemic (will blog separately about that!) has definitely been testing!

I just wanted to roll off with this blog post and end what I had started about the journey I was on in hospital and how it ended. I’m now under specialists teams (when covid isn’t lurking) and receive support, and a lorry load of meds to stop me being a full on nutter!

Happy pills.

2 thoughts on “2020 – F**ck you.

  1. Hi Kim, where do I start?
    Thank you for your complete openness and honesty!
    It must be hard to revisit some of the times you have spoken about!
    I think you are incredible, not only for gaining control of your own mental health and being so elequant with your blog, but also the fact that not only are you looking after you, but also 5 young children.
    Your husband sounds amazing in his support of you and your lovely family. It cannot be easy for any of you and add to that your equally incredible daughter, Ava. Just managing Ava and her needs must be exhausting, but you do that and so much more and look after each other and your other 4 beautiful children.
    Carry on with your blogs they are great to read and also therapeutic for you.
    I wish you all the best with the case with the CPS, staff who do not have patients best interests at heart should not be working with anyone, let alone such vulnerable patients with mental health issues.
    Good luck to you and your lovely family look forward to reading your progress and your families wonderful journey.
    Love to you Kim❤️X x x


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