A letter to a former me

If I could go back two years I wish I could give myself the pep talk I so desperately need right now. 

I would tell myself that it is all meant to be, that Your first born will be very sick but, it’s going to be okay. She will test you to the ultimate limits, you will witness things no person, no being, no mother should witness. But, through it all it will teach you of a love like no other, a bond that can never be broken and that you will fight tooth and nail to protect your cub. 

I would tell myself that it’s okay to have a bad day, it’s okay to be angry at the world for the shit you have to deal with daily, for the routine and structure that is so rigid it can not be changed – it’s a matter of life and death. I would scream at myself and tell me not to give up so easily, not to take the weight of the world alone and that there ARE people who can help you. People who can ease the load and that you are NOT a super hero. No one is judging you, it’s not a race and that one day things will get easier and things will slowly become the new “normal”. 

If I could turn back time, id make sure that all of my once friends were still my friends and I’d make more effort with them, even if I am away from home for months with my daughter. And if that didn’t work, then I’d learn to remember that the ones that truly do matter will still be there even after the months have passed.

The race is long. And in the end, it’s only with yourself.