It’s on a day like today I’ve made a 30 mile trip to the underground station to go and see Ava in gosh that I find some perspective on things. Yea things are pretty shit, but I’ll never forget last year doing this journey EVERY day…. I was also pregnant at the time.
And do you what the most tragic part of it was. It’s that we did not have a pot to piss in, the reality meant that having a sick baby meant we used every last penny to go and see her.
Each morning I’d get myself up, sometimes 4am to catch the first train into London, I’d be exhausted trying to put some make up over the ageing of tired worn skin, to make myself look more Alive when greeted by all the nurses who were happy, well rested and here to do a job. I’d park sometimes a mile away, or if I was lucky a bit closer to the underground and I’d walk. When it was the summer months it wasn’t so bad, flip flops would do baggy tops and leggings to see me through the day. But once winter hit, money was drying up fast and I’ll never forget it.
I had one pair of shoes, and they had holes in them, so walking to the station then from the station to gosh my feet would be soaked through, my socks could be wrung out and I was so cold. I often took a spare pair of socks up to London with me to change when I got to the hospital, and when I put them on it was bliss! My poor feet would sting from the cold and having a fresh dry pair on was like heaven to my toes.
We couldn’t afford new shoes, we couldn’t even afford to eat, so some days, In fact most I didn’t even eat whilst I was up there, I’d sit with Ava for hours watching her machines, starving and drinking water, lots of it. I’d do this for months, until the well run dry, we had no more money to see Ava and I’d have to split my week up and see her for two days and stay in the parent accommodation with what food I could muster up, then come home.
I was also pregnant at the time, I was barely eating, I was frozen and soaked through and I couldn’t afford to replace my shoes. I was so embarrassed. It would cost us around £1,000 each month in expenses to see Ava, all my maternity money went on her, bills were paid and that was it.
Bills paid and Ava was seen, they were the priority, even though the fridge and cupboards were empty, our house was warm and Ava had a Mummy who could visit.
Some days I’d find myself walking to the station, it was pouring with rain and I’d just want the world to stop spinning, I wanted off. I’d get to the hospital, pop to the toilets and see myself in the mirror. The rain had made my foundation run and I had tear stains marking my cheeks. I’d wash it off, plaster on a smile and go and see my little girl.
Over a year on, and I’m making a journey to see Ava like I’ve done so many times before. Only this time I’m arsey because it’s raining, and I’ve forgotten the head phones to my phone!
But the real perspective here is, we have money now, Steven works hard. So I have nice expensive boots on that are WATERPROOF, I have no puddles, no freezing uncomfortable feet on the journey to Holborn. I have a coat and clothes that fit me, and I’m sitting here on my IPhone 6s….
That’s all materialistic, and that’s one thing Im not. Because now, having that money means that Ava gets a mummy who can Go and see her as much as she likes, she has the money to put the diesel in the car, she has the money to top up the Oyster card. The bonus now is that I’m not cold and wet and starving hungry.
Money can’t buy lots of things, it can’t by Ava good health and I really wish it could – but it enables us as a family to be there all of the time.
Some days things get really tough, some days things seem so impossible, but walking the same route I’d done for so long last year has made me see just how far we’ve come. Just how far Ava has come.