When I gave birth to Ava I never saw her, all I remember is seeing her feet as she was placed on top of me for two seconds before she was taken to be resuscitated. It was the single most scariest thing I’ve ever been through in my life. 
I felt so detached from Ava, I didn’t feel like a mum, it pains me to say it but I felt like I was a runner up, so many people around me had their beautiful baby. They got to hold them, they got to walk them out of the hospital doors and home, where as I had to watch her be loaded into a container, sealed, with machines and be driven in an intensive care ambulance to London.

I never showed emotion, to this day I don’t know why, but I just lay in theatre staring at the clock, for 8 minutes I didn’t say a word. There were easily 15 people in the room, people working on me and doctors desperately working to save Ava. 

My midwife, was desperately trying to reassure me, I could see it on her face, I could see the panic, I could hear the fear in her voice the realisation that this baby had minutes before she would be dead.

She wanted a response from me and I couldn’t give her one, I just turned and looked out of the window. I was numb up to my eyeballs and completely  drugged up, I couldn’t even cry, I couldn’t say a word. 

My partner tried to talk to me as he sobbed and broke down watching Ava being resuscitated, cycles of CPR , desperately trying to kick start life into his daughter. 

My midwife came to me again and I could see the fear on her face, I could see how broken she was as a midwife. 
That special midwife saved Ava’s life.

She realised that resuscitation on Ava’s back was pointless, she needed to be on her side, her tongue  was falling back because of her under developed jaw, and, unbeknown to us all she had cohanal atresia so her nasal passages were fused shut. 

From the corner of the room I heard a small noise, it was a mere moan then silence – The midwife came over and said its okay she’s breathing but they need to take her. 

And they did. 

Steven went to wait for me and I was wheeled into recovery, battered, emotionally and physically. I felt my stomach churning I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I started to panic. My midwife tried to calm me down and sorted out some anti sickness medication, my temperature also started to rocket which meant that Ava needed antibiotics as well.

I lay in recovery in shock, a complete daze, we knew nothing about our baby. The midwife sat in the corner filling out paper work, I could see her heart was breaking for me, for us and I could visibly see how upset she was. 

It must have been a huge shock for her, it’s her job, but still, it’s never easy when something like that happens.

She checked on our baby for me and said that Steven could go and see her, so he did.

She came over to me and she cut me out of my gown that was soaked with blood and placed a new one over me. She then gave me the biggest most reassuring hug I’ve ever had and told me how brave I was and it was okay to cry. 

I smiled back, thankful that she cared that much and it went beyond her job, she was human, a friend.

I still didn’t cry, and I said I was okay, and I told her that my baby was called Ava. I told her that she was also going to be okay, that I knew it.

She made sure before she finished her shift that I was placed away from other mums so I could rest, knowing that my baby was in a critical situation. Then she came back and gave me one last hug.

If only I could have tracked her back down to show her how far my princess has come, but I’m forever thankful to her, she was amazing.