Beautiful Chaos

sit thinking alot about how my life has taken a complete 360 since 2013. 
I love how Facebook has this amazing way to transport you back in time and remind you just how much you’ve let yourself go… 

How you’ve given up trying to make yourself look good or even caring . I used to be such a proud person, I’d go out looking my best and certainly would NEVER leave the house without make up. These days, I don’t even have the time to take care of myself, hell, I’m clutching at straws most mornings when I’m whizzing through my shower wondering if my hair can go another day not being washed.
I get takeaways and eat crap because I haven’t the time to make healthy meals for myself. I do not have the time. Any one that says I do…please come and do a day, just a day in my shoes. Even sleeping is a chore. It gets to 11-12 at night and I’m kicking myself running through what needs to be done, x,y,z, calculating the hours sleep I have. Can I get up earlier and do this?

No. Okay I’ll stay up till 1am. Then go to bed. 

Crap, I need a shower, shower in the morning? No.

The kids won’t let me, I’ve stuff to do. Fine I’ll shower before bed. 
I need a clone of me, maybe three of me and then maybe I could be a good parent, housewife, friend and me.
It’s grim. 
The grim reality of my life is I don’t have the time to take care of myself any more, I’m existing. I’ve learnt that I will never find the bottom of the laundry basket. Ever. 
My floors will never be clean, I have a toddler and a dog to see to that. No other excuse, I can mop the damn floor 10x a day and within minutes they have destroyed it and looks the Pitts of a crack den dusted in mud, crumbs and cheese puffs…
I wish I had the time to go out with friends, or rather i wish I had time for friends! I wish I could make plans and stick to them without having to cancel because Ava has turned my day / week on its head. Or, that I’ve not been sucked dry of all my energy and I am too exhausted to even get dressed. I get told all the time, put yourself out there Kim. Go to groups Kim. Meet new people Kim. 
But I can’t. 
I’ve tried, I’ve tried bloody hard believe me, but I’m crippled with a personality disorder that’s robbed me of a social life. If that wasn’t hard enough, I have an Ava.
My beautiful chaos that is my daughter. 
I love her dearly. I love her with the last breath in my lungs, but boy this girl is hard.
One day we are happily plodding along having regular checkups and I’m boasting about how “well” she is, the next I’m at the GP surgery being ordered to get her to hospital either fevers over 40 and suspect septic showers.

When will this madness end? I ask myself this daily, will I ever not be sleep deprived?… Probably not! 

If I don’t reply or I cancel plans, please don’t take offence, I’m just switching off for a while. 

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