Something I always feel really bad about is that when you have a medically fragile child, if you have other children that are seemingly “healthy” their illnesses are never really that bad. I often find myself saying “oh it’s just a cold”, “just a little virus”… But this week I felt really guilty.

My youngest Ralph started to act unwell last weekend with a barking cough, I automatically assumed it was croup, he had all the characteristics, seal like cough, slight runny nose and irritable. It wasn’t really clearing and I felt he was getting a little bit worse, so I took him to the GP. She confirmed my suspicions after checking him over thoroughly on the Monday and said it was just a viral thing and it will clear up over the next few days.

It didn’t. My little Ralph just seemed to get worse, at night he was inconsolable or, in the rare moments he was able to be comforted he just wanted to nuzzle into me and sleep. This never usually happens with him, he is a cuddly baby but at almost 10months old he would much rather be moving around exploring any thing and everything he can get his hands on, so to have him want to lay on me, was lovely, but made me realise he definitely was poorly.

We carried on another couple of days, fighting fevers and sickness and then he completely went off his milk, he was having one bottle if that in a 24 hour period, so that was the time to get him back to the GP.

My partner came home from work in time to take Ralph for me so that I could stay home and get the other two ready for bed (his appointment was 17:50). When Steven came home he told me that the Doctor had confirmed he had a really nasty case of tonsillitis. His neck and glands are extremely swollen, and his tonsils are very enlarged and infected. She has prescribed antibiotics, but due to the severity of this particular case we are to return today to make sure he is no worse and he doesn’t need to be admitted to hospital.

So there we go, I felt terrible, obviously I could never have predicted he would become so poorly, but equally I did try and brush it off because I am so used to seeing Ava suffer far More dangerous, life threatening illnesses, almost weekly.

I also find it so hard to care for my two boys when they are poorly and have to be given Calpol or medication, I know it’s a guarantee that when Ava has her medicine, she will get it and she won’t fight me because I can place it straight into her intestines via her feeding tube.. If only all children could come with one of these for medicines only right!? The battle to force medicine down Ralph’s neck is traumatic, he absolutely detests anything being placed in his mouth by someone other than him, hence why I did Baby Lead Weaning with him.

So for that my little Roo Bear, Mummy is Sorry.

I really hope these antibiotics kick in, he is however more interested in his milk today so that is brilliant news.

Being a Mum comes with so much guilt, and we can’t always get it right. It’s a constant balancing act.